


The Universal Law of Friendship Physics

by Byacolate



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Disaster, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 10:33:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6150767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Byacolate/pseuds/Byacolate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You‘re starting to sound like a broken record there, buddy. ‘Highly inadvisable’ this, ‘potentially fatal’ that. Nobody likes a pessimist.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Universal Law of Friendship Physics

**Author's Note:**

> For the tumblr anon who prompted: "A fic about Rhys's friends trying to keep him from making bad decisions, like lighting a candle with a toaster?" I haven't had the chance to write gen in a long time! Thanks for the opportunity!

“Highly inadvisable.”

 

Every modicum of irritation Rhys possesses comes through in the narrowed gaze he shoots over his shoulder.

 

“You‘re starting to sound like a broken record there, buddy,” he says, false cheer through clenched teeth. He turns back to the task at hand. “‘Highly inadvisable’ this, ‘potentially fatal’ that. Nobody likes a pessimist.”

 

“If all optimists are like you, that‘s because there are none left,” Fiona muses. She watches on with an academic sort of interest against the cabinet across the van.

 

“Hah. Funny.”

 

Sasha looks more amused than Rhys might like, but her tone‘s just on the friendly side of quizzical when she asks, “So, why exactly are you sticking all these candles in the toaster?”

 

“I‘m sorry,“ Rhys snipes, daintily pulling the third lit candle back and shoving it into a cupcake, “did you find some extra matches lying around? A lighter? A blowtorch? Incendiary rounds?”

 

LoaderBot lifts a hand. “I have -”

 

“Sarcasm! We‘re not lighting birthday candles with a blowtorch,” Rhys amends. “Or... incendiary rounds.”

 

“Aww,” Gortys says, snapping her little metal fingers.

 

“Forget the naysayers. I really appreciate this, man,” Vaughn says, thumbing a wax drip from a candle before it can hit the cupcake.

 

“Of course. What kind of bro would I be if I didn't give you a proper birthday?” Rhys shoots him a grin. "Even on Pandora."

 

Fiona and Sasha exchange looks. “So, a proper birthday amounts to a single deflated cupcake in the back of a camper van?”

 

“Are you actually criticizing improvisation?”

 

“No,” Fiona says. “I‘m criticizing _your_ improvisation.“

 

“Yeah, well, my improvisation happens to be wholly based on what‘s available in _your_ camper. So what are you really criticizing here?”

 

Fiona and Sasha respond in unison: “You.”

 

“Definitely you!” Gortys chirps, rolling up to inspect the cake. Loaderbot lifts her when she tries, and fails, to pull herself up by her spindly arms. “Wow. Are you sure that's not a pancake, Rhys? It _is_ deflated.”

 

“And flavored liberally with sawdust.”

 

“That‘s a lot of fiber! You‘re a good friend, Rhys.”

 

“Yeah,” Vaughn agrees, wagging a finger at the rest, “he is. Shame on all of you. With all that‘s going on, Rhys had no reason to remember my birthday, or make me anything, or use some... unique methods to spruce it up. But he did! If any of you were in his shoes -”

 

“- We‘d be on fire.”

 

“Yes! Our friendship‘s on _fire_ because of all he‘s -”

 

LoaderBot snags a yelping Rhys by the back of his jacket and lifts him with a free hand.

 

“Not in the figurative,” LoaderBot says, and Sasha flips the sink faucet on in time for Elbie to drop Rhys half inside it. The cuff of his right arm hisses and steams briefly, and Rhys pulls it back, charred and sopping. “Threat:  Extinguished.”

 

“Aw, man,” Rhys groans, ringing out a handful of his ruined sleeve. The candle, still in his grip, is too wet to be salvaged.

 

He drops next to Vaughn when Elbie takes the toaster “somewhere safe” and “out of Rhys‘ disastrous little reach.” Vaughn pats him on the shoulder. “Seriously, man. This was enough anyway.”

 

Rhys stares morosely at the pitiful little excuse for a cupcake. "You already blew the candles out.”

 

“Well, yeah. The cupcake was mostly wax by the time you dried yourself off.”

 

“But...” his face falls. “Did you even make a wish?”

 

“Sure. I wished you‘d find yourself another shirt, real soon.”

 

"Vaughn..." Rhys starts, pressing a hand to his chest. "That's really -"

 

“You told! Now it won‘t come true,” Sasha calls over her shoulder.

 

"It's a special friend wish, unhindered by the laws of metaphysics," Vaughn reassures him with a little pat on his arm. "Now. Time for the birthday boy to dive into his ultra special friendship cake!"

 

"Sawdust pancake," Gortys corrects affably.

 

"Sawdust pancake," Sasha agrees. Fiona nods along.

 

"His ultra special friendship sawdust pancake," Vaughn says around a mouthful.

 

Rhys slowly lets his head fall to the table.

**Author's Note:**

> Inquire about fic requests [here!](http://wardencommando.tumblr.com/ask)  
> If you are so inclined, feel free to follow [my Tumblr](http://wardencommando.tumblr.com/).


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